But seriously, Pork Chop Express?  Dude.  Save some cash for the rest of the teams. Or don’t.  Just keep coming back and winning, cause that keeps teams like The Squirrels and The Turkey Vultures on their toes.  Oh, here’s a joke:

How do you know your computer is too old?  It keeps losing its memory!

So true it’s not even funny.

Okay so PCE didn’t actually have to win this week.  They were absolutely tied at the Bingo round (both they and the Squirrels yelled “bingo!” at the same time) but it was that pesky little secret code that started to spell 3479  254103! (that’s “we’re behind!” for the rest of you) for the Squirrels.  (I still don’t know how the Turkey Vultures figured out the code, what with the dearth of correct info they had to base it on.  Maybe they crack codes for a living.  Maybe they’re spies.  Maybe they’re ninjas.  I digress.)

I’m feeling a little ADD right now (it’s 5 a.m. so whatever), and what I want to know is, California: the natural state? Dude, team that answered California, have you ever BEEN to California?  Have you seen the LA “River”?  Better yet, have you seen LA?  Have you seen LA females??

Not much natural goin’ on there.

[I'm from San Diego so I can dis LA.  It's like bagging on your sister, even though your buddies can't bag on her.  But they can, you say?  Oh, I forgot we're in Oregon.  BRING IT!!  Boo Cali fake boobs! Boo!!!]

You so don’t even care, do you?  You just want to see your image emblazoned across the Information Superhighway.  Okay whatever.  It was close yadda yadda but in the end yadda yadda yadda Pork Chop Express.

Winners (again) Pork Chop Express I mean the Krips.

Second place Turkey Vultures with their wound up Captain Kirk

Third place Squirrels with their high-tech audio cassette (The Cure: Wish)

You haven’t even SEEN fake boobs until you’ve checked out my facebook page.

But what of the quiz, you ask? ALL THE TEAMS made it into the final challenge round! Go you! It was a close game. It could have been anyone’s game, really (especially if your team name was PORK CHOP EXPRESS). Okay, so PCE did actually come out a bit ahead, but who’s counting? (Oh and sorry ‘bout forgetting that one bonus point, PCE. Thanks for letting me know about it after round 2.)

Anywhoha, PCE seemed to have abundant knowledge of not only Muppets, but also of chemistry, oddly enough. And they got lucky with that 10 point daily double in the Jeopardy round (Steve Whitmire? Who… how do you people have that much room in your brains??)

Winners Pork Chop Express

But it was neck-and-neck for that $10 second place jackpot, and the 3 SE Chix gave those 4 That’s MRS. Piggy to you, Biotches a run for their money.  Just for winning second place, TMPTYB also scored an illustrated Return of the Jedi book thingy.  In the end, however, it was the SE Chix who took home the bacon (well, the Sellwood Swine…) for winning third place. I hope they bring her back.

Hi-YA!!!

Runners up That's MRS. Piggy to You, Biotch

Third place The SE Chix with the Sellwood Swine

With only four teams in attendance, the odds were rad (3 in 4, to be precise) that most would make it into the challenge round.  BIFPIB (Business In The Front, Party In The Back), got off to a bitchin head start, with bonus points for all sparkley 80’s ladies on the team.  Throughout the game, the Silver Snakes and the Gay Disease were neck-and-neck in second and third.  Though the Snakes entered into the challenge round 24 points behind then-second-place GD, they catapulted themselves into second with their rockin’ wager of 150 points.

Alas!  Even 150 points wasn’t enough to beat BIFPIB, who, with its gnarly wager of 267 points (and despite thinking that Gremlins is called Mouse Box) took home the prize of 45 buckaroos.  And it was winner-takes-all.  Oh Silver Snakes…so close, and yet… don’t stand, don’t stand, don’t stand so close to m…  Oops sorry—got carried away there for a sec.  So close, and yet, better luck next time!

And what of the Gay Disease, you ask?  Their third-place standing won them the coveted Sellwood Swine. Okay, I just made the “coveted” part up.  And they have to give it back.  But after it’s all signed and added-onto and returned, the Gay Disease will score themselves some totally un-bogus bonus points and will hopefully find themselves in the top spot next week.

Mouse Box!

Winners Business In The Front, Party In The Back

The Silver Snakes with their politically-incorrect magic 8 ball

Members of the Gay Disease with the Sellwood Swine

My “evolution” through pub quiz has been unconventional, since I’ve  really only PLAYED pub quiz once before becoming a quiz “master.”    Fortunately all teams in attendance were experienced players who, um, eased me in gently, so to speak.

Speaking of players, ALL teams gave good play.  At the end of round one, it was still anyone’s game.  But in the end, only the Silver Snakes, Unfortunate Looking Women, and Pork Chop Express had a chance at snatching a slice of the pie.  Nobody seemed to know Julia Roberts’ middle name (Fiona).  But with the Silver Snakes’ saucy wager of ALL BUT SEVEN of their 337 points, they lost to the Unfortunate Looking Women, who played it safe and didn’t give it all away, winning the game with 328 points.  The apparently infamous Pork Chop Express came in third second.

Along with their first place cash prize, ULW also took home a girthy inflatable Pirates of the Caribbean sword.  Second place Snakes SOMEBODY scored sheet music for Wham!’s Careless Whisper. Bonus!  The sheet music unfolded to a full-sized color poster of the sexy duo itself.  I’d wham that, anytime.

Winners The Unfortunate Looking Women with their inflatable sword.

Oh, and if you’re not already my facebook friend, here’s your chance.

Danny is taking over quizzing at Sellwood, she’s a great gal, and lots of fun, please go check her out next week and give her a chance!  She graded all the papers last night ,and by next week she will be running things on her own, so show some support.

Till then, I bid you all farewell-The Fags of the Apocolypse decided they would score my jokes as the night went on, Olympic style.  So, there’s  shot of them holding up my numbers..With these scores aside, I did in fact go out with a standing ovation and one hell of a buzz last night.  Sellwood, and everyone that came out-Thanks for everything!

Thanks Nathan of the Stumbling Drunks for making me my own Quizmaster Polly vinyl decal-to be used at a later date, and these awesome shots of the action!

Congrats to the Asspenny advantage, picture not shown here due to excessive drunkenness on the win.  I can’t remember what the final question was.  But I know this people: It’s not you, it’s me. Remember that, I invented that line.

Our winning team last night, a new team with some folks visiting from out of state: Rings around Uranus.  I did not manage to snap a picture of Rings last night, as they exited before I could grab a shot, so in lieu of that, I give you an internet interpretation of “Rings around Uranus”  Enjoy. Possibly NSFW.

Finally, in the end wash out it was the Unfortunate looking women that claimed victory.

And for the first time ever, the Pork Chop Express took the squirrel. All the way to Vegas. If he comes back with a little Elvis suit, or a drug problem, I pity the team that picks him up next.

Round 1 bingo was a clear-cut win for our house team the Pork Chop express, however as we moved into round two, the clear winners in our Who Am I round was the team “The A$$Penny advantage” they came, they heard the bios and they kicked the collective quizzers asses as they scored possibly the highest recorded score in Pub Quiz history in that round, thus leading them on to a near victorious take-over of our pals, the PCE.  A$$Penny was only 2 points behind the PCE as we moved into the final three, and it was a serious smack-down for the cash.  PCE went in full force betting all but one point, securing a second place win, while the A$$Penny advantage took the first place spot with their larger than life 59 points.

Wtg A$$Penny advantage.  Lastly, I give you this visual proof of the tallest person of the awesome creative trifecta: Tim Burton.  I’m not sure how much taller he is, but his hair certainly adds to the mystery.

Find them, and me on Facebook, where we’re “friendly” and stuff.  (Twitter for the cool kids:www.twitter.com/QMPolly)

From the covered mouth of featured blogger Kirsten of PCE:

Generally speaking, any day where I get to sculpt tiny food products is already a win! I can’t believe I devoted 10 minutes of my life to looking up the ingredients of Sculpey clay to determine that it is, in fact, made of plastic and therefore fully bonus points compliant (get on the email list, people, for serious), because God forbid I make a tiny, anatomically correct Chicago dog for nothing. Yes, a Chicago dog, because no less than 3/5ths of the Pork Chop Express hail from the Windy City, though all 3 of us were ejected from same for the unforgivable blasphemy of taking our hot dogs with just ketchup. Maybe now we’ll get to go back and visit the Old Country…

As the game wound up, the whole room nervously eyed the happy family with 2 young – very young- children sitting dead center. Nobody wanted to be responsible for shattering the innocence of those tiny angels (that’s for the Internet!), so the Bingo Round had to commence before the ceremonial Reading Of The Team Names to save the parents from some uncomfortable family conversations. Because if there’s one thing we Sellwood Public House quizzers stand for, it’s CLASS. And dick jokes.

It seemed like several teams must have been struck with meat blindness, for confusion abounded during Bingo – oh, oh, can we get bonus points for not losing track of the numbers? Steamboat Lacey informed us of Mickey Mouse’s shrouded true beginnings…sort of. Somehow Pork Chopper Patty remembered that the Karate Kid announcer yells “Daniel Russo is gonna fight!”, which was good because our best guess was going to be “Jesus Christ Bananas!”. Pork Chopper Doug knew that Community airs on Thursday nights, while the rest of us cursed our DVRs. Everyone learned a new vocabulary word, “jaccarding”, and a little bit about our Right Benevolent Quiz Master Polly with The Quote of the Night: “I did like the pounding and beating!”.

What no one liked was the nearly unprecedented lack of bingo. One team disliked it more than others, as they would have gotten that damn bingo if not for the World Cup trick question. The official Quiz Master Polly position on these situations is “suck it”, however, so bingo-less we stayed. Truth be told, no one was more shocked by our good showing tonight than us – that Bingo Round kicked our collective ass. In fact, we were literally saved by bonus points! Thank you, bacon tape! Email list. Do it.

F*&K “Who Am I?”; f*&k it right in the ear. Really, this round should be renamed “Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t”. Either you know the answer and you pussy yourself out of points by waiting, or you completely pooch it right out of the gate and get nothing. Apparently everyone else sucked as much as we did, as we sailed into first after Round 2, emboldening us to smart off on our handouts (which probably played a role in our backslide to second after those handouts).
http://outflux.net/sauce.jpg
Tzatziki is made of “potato”, really? What the fuck? The Right Benevolent Quiz Master Polly in her infinite wisdom saw fit to strike that question, and there was much rejoicing.

Speaking of potato, “Hot Potato” was our Final Round theme. Apparently some dude named George Crumb (not Messrs. Lay, Pringle, or Ruffle) was the first inventor of the potato chip, but unless he’s R. Crumb’s dad or something, I really don’t give a shit. The Pork Chop Express crack team of math whizzes advised a suitably lukewarm bet, though, so our disinterest in 19th century New York resort chefs propelled us to a third win in a row! 3PEAT, baby! This is actually our second 3peat as a team, so I’m pretty sure if we go on to another 3-game winning streak in the future – a 3PEAT 3PEAT – that shitty movie where John Cusack knocks over the White House with a tsunami or whatever will come true.

Infinitely more important than our win is who took home the truly coveted Sellwood Last Place Squirrel?! This squirrel must have beer-flavored nipples, because everyone wants that plastic rodent like it’s the last Cabbage Patch Kid on December 24th, 1984. Traditionally, Last Place Squirrel goes to the team in last place before the Final Round. This week’s points caboose declined the honor because they couldn’t commit to returning the sacred plastic rodent next week. A controversy ensued as to whether the Squirrel should go to the next-to-last-place team, or to the team to come in third in the Final Round (this is why All In is way better than Final Three). The Right Benevolent Quiz Master Polly ruled in favor of last-of-final-three, and Unfortunate-Looking Women (though they’re actually pretty adorable) took the Squirrel!

A final thought to warm the cockles of your Internet-darkened hearts: remember the young family that beat a hasty retreat at the beginning of Pub Quiz? A trip by their abandoned table revealed they had been playing Hangman. Their Hangman word? “Dingleberry”.

Taking home the coveted Squirrel of Sellwood: The Unfortunate looking women

Seriously, find me on Facebook and join the fun.  Lots of pics that don’t make it into the blog, and lots more of me.  And my awesome ability to turn pretty much anything into a dirty joke.   There are 6 more photos from the “Why Sellwood rocks” album that didn’t make the blog cut.  And those my friends, are the awesome ones.

Despite all the whack job spelling words and the extra work I put into grading tonight, we had a blast (B-L-A-S-T : informal; an enjoyable experience or lively party : it could turn out to be a real blast) at SPH. It’s climbing the ranks of Pub Quiz to become a great place for a smack-down on Wednesday night.  Any night you’ve got conversations with  a bar full of people about Diocese’s small dick prey and Rick Steve’s “Back door” to Europe, it’s a win. Even when you have to spell it all out. The winning team came in tonight prepared to win.  Take a look at the costumes they “threw together” for points. They spelled it out for us, spelling bee boobs.  Well done, and well won this week Pork Chop Express.

Also note the Sellwood Last Place Squirrel looking on toward them in great awe.  He got a little erection from staring at their boobs.  Well, to be fair, he’s got a permanent erection, but it looked more erect after the boobs shot. Or maybe it was the stripes?