Well my friends—those loyal players of Belmont’s Inn’s pub quiz,Belmont’s kind and hardworking staff, my fellow quizmasters and writers, and of course the Academy—it’s been a long, winding road that’s brought us to this point. We’ve had our ups and downs, our ins and outs. Sometimes I didn’t like you so much, and sometimes you didn’t like me. But mostly we pretty much liked each other, we answered a lot of trivia questions (or you did; I just read ‘em really), and somewhere in there we found time to have plenty of laughs.

Now, however, the road we’ve walked together has reached its crooked end, and we must part and go our separate ways. Me, to the sunny shores of Los Angeles, where I hope to immerse myself in “the Biz” as I think the cool kids call it these days; you, to your next quiz, your next hit of trivia, your next shot at that sweet, sweet pot, craving it like a junkie does heroin.

And let’s not forget the beer… how many luscious taps glinting light from behind that smooth, oily Belmont bar? A lot. A lot.

It wasn’t supposed to end this soon. I had planned to run quiz at Belmont’s for at least a few more weeks before my end-of-March departure, but alas incoming replacement John Pullen wound up just being so darn capable, humorous, organized, and confident on the mic, it was decided he needs no further training, and will be stepping in for good next week. I wish him the best. He’s a good man, and I urge you wolverines to treat him well and refrain from snapping at his jugular with your admantium jaws (or is claws? never could remember).

Anywho, it’s been swell Belmont’s! I’ll miss you! I’ll miss you, Urban Achievers and No-Mouth Monkeys and Beige Food and YMBP and Tx and Get Yer Ass to Mars and Boners in Sweatpants (who I continued to mistakenly call Boners WITH Sweatpants
until the very end, a slightly different meaning) and Cru Jones and the Helltrack Racers and everyone else I’m forgetting. I’ll miss you and I wish you the best, at Pub Quiz… and at life. Because what is life really? It’s just one, long quiz in the end, and you better enjoy it while it lasts because the Big Pot lies underground, and it’s pretty dark down there…

And finally, in the words of the irascible Roberto Benigni, on the night of his infamous 1998 Oscar victory (subtly altered for Pub Quiz USA):

“Thank you! This is a terrible mistake because I used up all my English. I don’t know! I am not able to express all my gratitude, because now, my body is in tumult because it is a colossal moment of joy so everything is really in a way that I cannot express. I would like to thank Jupiter and kidneys . . . everybody lie down in the firmament making love to everybody, because I don’t know how to express. It’s a question of love. You are really – this is mountain of snow, so delicate, the suavity and kindness, it is something I cannot forget, from the bottom of my heart. And, thank you for the Pub Quizzes, who really loved my Quizmastering. Thank you to all in Italy, for the Italian Pub Quiz, grazie al Italia e grazie al America, land of the lot of things here. Thank you very much. And, I hope, really, I don’t deserve this, but I hope to run some more Pub Quizzes! Thank you! Thank you very much!”