Tonight’s big game at the Sellwood Public house, brought to you, in a birds-eye meaty view by the winning team: our featured blogger, Team Pork Chop Express. Like us, we like you. I like you even better with the bacon tape over your mouths to quell the grumbling. And now, our winners: Hear no evil, see no evil, Speak no evil, also known as the Pork Chop Express. I like that last part best; Speak no evil…of thine quizmaster. Or thine quiz.
Find them, and me on Facebook, where we’re “friendly” and stuff. (Twitter for the cool kids:www.twitter.com/QMPolly)
From the covered mouth of featured blogger Kirsten of PCE:
Generally speaking, any day where I get to sculpt tiny food products is already a win! I can’t believe I devoted 10 minutes of my life to looking up the ingredients of Sculpey clay to determine that it is, in fact, made of plastic and therefore fully bonus points compliant (get on the email list, people, for serious), because God forbid I make a tiny, anatomically correct Chicago dog for nothing. Yes, a Chicago dog, because no less than 3/5ths of the Pork Chop Express hail from the Windy City, though all 3 of us were ejected from same for the unforgivable blasphemy of taking our hot dogs with just ketchup. Maybe now we’ll get to go back and visit the Old Country…
As the game wound up, the whole room nervously eyed the happy family with 2 young – very young- children sitting dead center. Nobody wanted to be responsible for shattering the innocence of those tiny angels (that’s for the Internet!), so the Bingo Round had to commence before the ceremonial Reading Of The Team Names to save the parents from some uncomfortable family conversations. Because if there’s one thing we Sellwood Public House quizzers stand for, it’s CLASS. And dick jokes.
It seemed like several teams must have been struck with meat blindness, for confusion abounded during Bingo – oh, oh, can we get bonus points for not losing track of the numbers? Steamboat Lacey informed us of Mickey Mouse’s shrouded true beginnings…sort of. Somehow Pork Chopper Patty remembered that the Karate Kid announcer yells “Daniel Russo is gonna fight!”, which was good because our best guess was going to be “Jesus Christ Bananas!”. Pork Chopper Doug knew that Community airs on Thursday nights, while the rest of us cursed our DVRs. Everyone learned a new vocabulary word, “jaccarding”, and a little bit about our Right Benevolent Quiz Master Polly with The Quote of the Night: “I did like the pounding and beating!”.
What no one liked was the nearly unprecedented lack of bingo. One team disliked it more than others, as they would have gotten that damn bingo if not for the World Cup trick question. The official Quiz Master Polly position on these situations is “suck it”, however, so bingo-less we stayed. Truth be told, no one was more shocked by our good showing tonight than us – that Bingo Round kicked our collective ass. In fact, we were literally saved by bonus points! Thank you, bacon tape! Email list. Do it.
F*&K “Who Am I?”; f*&k it right in the ear. Really, this round should be renamed “Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t”. Either you know the answer and you pussy yourself out of points by waiting, or you completely pooch it right out of the gate and get nothing. Apparently everyone else sucked as much as we did, as we sailed into first after Round 2, emboldening us to smart off on our handouts (which probably played a role in our backslide to second after those handouts).
http://outflux.net/sauce.jpg
Tzatziki is made of “potato”, really? What the fuck? The Right Benevolent Quiz Master Polly in her infinite wisdom saw fit to strike that question, and there was much rejoicing.
Speaking of potato, “Hot Potato” was our Final Round theme. Apparently some dude named George Crumb (not Messrs. Lay, Pringle, or Ruffle) was the first inventor of the potato chip, but unless he’s R. Crumb’s dad or something, I really don’t give a shit. The Pork Chop Express crack team of math whizzes advised a suitably lukewarm bet, though, so our disinterest in 19th century New York resort chefs propelled us to a third win in a row! 3PEAT, baby! This is actually our second 3peat as a team, so I’m pretty sure if we go on to another 3-game winning streak in the future – a 3PEAT 3PEAT – that shitty movie where John Cusack knocks over the White House with a tsunami or whatever will come true.
Infinitely more important than our win is who took home the truly coveted Sellwood Last Place Squirrel?! This squirrel must have beer-flavored nipples, because everyone wants that plastic rodent like it’s the last Cabbage Patch Kid on December 24th, 1984. Traditionally, Last Place Squirrel goes to the team in last place before the Final Round. This week’s points caboose declined the honor because they couldn’t commit to returning the sacred plastic rodent next week. A controversy ensued as to whether the Squirrel should go to the next-to-last-place team, or to the team to come in third in the Final Round (this is why All In is way better than Final Three). The Right Benevolent Quiz Master Polly ruled in favor of last-of-final-three, and Unfortunate-Looking Women (though they’re actually pretty adorable) took the Squirrel!
A final thought to warm the cockles of your Internet-darkened hearts: remember the young family that beat a hasty retreat at the beginning of Pub Quiz? A trip by their abandoned table revealed they had been playing Hangman. Their Hangman word? “Dingleberry”.
Taking home the coveted Squirrel of Sellwood: The Unfortunate looking women
Seriously, find me on Facebook and join the fun. Lots of pics that don’t make it into the blog, and lots more of me. And my awesome ability to turn pretty much anything into a dirty joke. There are 6 more photos from the “Why Sellwood rocks” album that didn’t make the blog cut. And those my friends, are the awesome ones.