If you walked into Belmont’s last Thursday, you would’ve been met with the biggest dick I’ve ever seen….

Schwetty Balls' Big Dick

Yes, team Can You Smell the Stank on my Schwetty Balls had brought in a gigantic 4′ tall penis for BALLS week. Guess a couple of basketballs wouldn’t have done for them… the paper mache penis was a big hit with the bar staff, but that’s hardly odd since women naturally want big dicks.

I got the call from Quizmaster John around noon on Thursday. Seems his wife came down with SWINE FLU (how dare her!), so JP decided it was better to send me in to pinch hit then have him accidentally make everyone feel miserable if he turned out to also have the dreaded disease. Good thinkin’, John. So hastily I printed out forms and headed out to the Inn. After team Schwetty helped me get set up, teams flocked around the QM desk to sign up, and alas, within 10 minutes, I had run out of handouts. Because of that, I had to start putting smaller teams of 2-3 together with other teams of 2-3. Guess who had that # of folks? The very despised Beige Food team and the other big winners, T/X. Now, normally these two teams have it out for each other on a regular basis, as you probably know if you read the standings every week. Often the two teams alternate weeks being the big winners, in multiple venues. But here we were, with two Beige Food stragglers, and a T/X team of three. Since Beige Food were the latecomers, it was up to T/X to either invite their nemeses to join them, or turn them away, possibly solidifying their win for the week without their hottest competitors in the race. Would they be able to join forces? The answer: YES! And so their team name became “The Unholy Alliance“. I warned the crowd: “Look out, Belmonters! The titans joined forces, and their collective cranial engines are roaring!”

After scrambling to get everybody situated, we finally got started around 7:15. The Bingo round flew by without incident, and after only 8 questions, Balls Back East got a 20 point Bingo bonus. There was a question about ben wa balls not being connected by a string, and we got a little TMI from Doug on the No Mouth Monkeys team who shared his knowledge about sex toys and his anal ball collection…. oops, I mean ANAL BEAD collection. Ya, okay, that’s an image that won’t be leaving my noggin any time soon.

The new game of Arrogance was our round two, when teams basically bet on how accurate their answers are. Because I was by my lonesome, without a grader, I decided early on to have teams basically trade answer sheets to save some time. Quizzers got a dose of grader headaches on this tough-to-grade round. I heard some resistance to the new round, but I don’t think you’ve seen the last of this strategic round. I like it, lot’s of people liked it… you just gotta strategize!

It seemed to be a night of cooperation, starting with the unholy alliance. Teams shared color picture handouts since I hadn’t printed enough. Then teams had to grade each other’s papers, and Strokus Arcana, Get Your Ass to Mars, and Can You Smell the Stank on my Schwetty Balls entered the final challenge round in a three-way tie. In the end, The Unholy Alliance predictably won the quiz, but not with the large margin that was expected. A Ball in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush came in a VERY close second, just 2 itty bitty points behind The Unholy Alliance (613-611). No Mouth Monkeys came in 3rd (594).

Thanks everybody for a great night of pub quizzing! And to those guys on Can you Smell the Stank: You really ought to go to next Monday night’s CC Slaughters quiz with your gigantic dick. You could get $50 for it there.